See you on the ground

I’ve been standing in the doorway for months now, holding onto the frame for dear life. The wind is strong on the other side. The view is beautiful, but also terrifying.

10,000 feet below me, I see the ground — but I’m not doing this for that. I’m here for everything that comes in between this moment and the moment my feet touch it.

I know why I went up in this plane to begin with. I am standing in this doorway for my own very personal reasons, and they are mine. I don’t need to justify them to anyone.

I’m always pushing myself to try to be better, stronger, braver. But now that I’m here, I wonder if I can actually do it. I mean, I KNOW I can, if I just trust myself and don’t think too much before doing it. But, I have been overthinking as usual. Is it safe? What if things go wrong?

I have another option still: I could order the plane back down, and not do this. Just give up, after all the effort I’ve been through. Sunk cost fallacy, right?

But that’s not what I really want. I want to jump out of this fucking plane.

I want to feel the rush, the excitement, the thrill, and after it all, the intense self-pride, and massive triumph of helping others to make this jump themselves. If everyone could make it, would I be standing here white-knuckling it and trying to build up the confidence?

I’m aware that I have more anxiety than most, unearthing myself from years of socialized self-doubt and low self-esteem.

I’m aware that most people would say no to the idea of jumping out of a perfectly good plane, and the ones that do say yes, often don’t even make it off the ground. They like it on the ground.

I like living my life above-ground. It’s fun. It’s different. I’m happy with it.

Is it scary? Absolutely. Do I know what I’m doing? I sure hope so. I just have to trust myself, and know that all the answers are already within me.

Today, I’m closing my eyes, stopping with the over-thinking, and letting go. Watch me fall. Remember the smile on my face.

I’ll see you on the ground.