Late Diagnosis: Blue Blocks

A series on adapting to life with an Autism diagnosis

The test sat on the table, waiting for me to begin. My neuropsychologist had just tapped a sequence of blue blocks protruding from the square base.

I tried to remember the sequence as she had tapped the 8 squares. And I quickly realized that I was already unsure of the first 2 or 3. Unfortunately, those were the last I had to tap in order to reverse the sequence, giving me even more time to forget them.

I began tapping the fingers of my left hand fingers nervously under the table as I reached forward and began repeating the sequence, but in reverse order. My leg bounced without my control, and a feeling swelled up in my gut.

Why was I here, anyway?

This entire journey had been the most challenging thing I had ever done… but here I was. I had put myself in this situation, and I was going to try to make the best of it. I needed answers, damn it.

I was jealous of the test itself in that moment. It was just sitting there, being a test—wholly unbothered by me and my stress over it. The difficult part was mine, figuring out how to approach it in a way that truly demonstrated how I processed the problem and its solution.